Earth was once a peaceful place before 2006. Sure, there were genocides and war, but the world was still safer. But in Ohio, a serpent was born, and the name of that evil was Jerry Johnson. Growing up, he was known as Ohio’s most obnoxious child – the kind that could be advertised as a reason to use birth control. By the age of seven, several parents complained about Jerry, alleging that he had given their children laxative-laced candy. Barbara Johnson, his single mother, was completely ignorant of his wrongdoings, cited as saying,”My baby could never!” Of course, others would disagree. He was so rude to his peers that he was picked up by Supernanny, who quit her show immediately after meeting him. No matter how insolent his behavior, he would always receive presents on Christmas, an enigma that troubled the minds of many youths who knew him.

 “Mom!” Jerry shouted from his mom’s car. “I want to go meet Santa at the mall! Now!”
“Okay sweetie. .” his mother wearily replied as she locked the house door.  “But we can’t take long. We need to go to the airport in a bit.”

The drive was short, only about five minutes, but to Jerry, it felt like he had waited three lifetimes. He watched out of the car window at impoverished apartments, vandalized with graffiti. A young child, possibly the age of five, lay on the frigid concrete, watching the cars drive by. Jerry thought, Sucks to be them, I guess.

They arrived at the shopping center shortly after. The interior was embellished with faux snow and massive Christmas trees decorated with golden lights, gleaming like expensive jewelry. In the center laid the jolly fat man himself– Santa, surrounded by photographers and a line of eager children that seemed to stretch the size of the Nile. Jerry proceeded to skip the line, to the other childrens’ annoyance, so he could quickly take pictures with Santa Claus. By skipping the line, he would have enough time to go to the airport later to go on his annual holiday vacation.

Just as Jerry went to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him about all 289 presents he wanted, Santa screamed,” Ho, Ho, Ho! I recognize you! You’re that crazy kid from Supernanny!”

Jerry scowled. “So what? Is that a problem for you, big guy?” 

Santa frowned and retorted,“Ho, so you haven’t changed!”

Jerry clenched his fist, veins popping out of his arms like wild lightning bolts, and struck Santa directly in the nose with all of his 10-year-old might.
Santa shrieked as he clenched his mangled nose in pain,” “You’re on the naughty list! Get out!”

Three security guards raced to the scene as a symphony of cries sounded in the air from traumatized children. Jerry looked for a place to escape, but the snake had circled its prey, and he was captured by the guards. 

“Get off of me!” screeched Jerry, as they pulled him backward from his arms, a bizarre spectacle to watch from passers-by.

When they had finally reached the exit, he was pushed out, along with his mother, who was too tired to care about what he had done. 

“Do better next time,” an officer remarked as he pushed them onto the parking lot.

An hour later, he and his mother drove to the airport, where they planned to board a flight to Florida to spend Christmas with their relatives, Aunt Mary and Uncle Frank. Jerry pondered his next move. He’d just been told that he had been placed on the naughty list, which meant that he would not receive any of the 289 gifts that he so desperately desired. But then he had an idea.
What if I board a random flight, and spread the Christmas spirit to the country I land in?

The week prior, his teacher had told him that many countries did not celebrate Christmas, which greatly surprised him. He believed that by spreading Christmas around the world, he’d surely receive many presents. His mission was set in stone, nothing could stop the brat.
Minutes turned to hours as they waited in the airport security line. As they waited, all Jerry could think about was all the presents he would receive after converting people, certain Santa would be pleased with his converting of foreigners. He intended to look for a flight to “Saint Martin,” a place he visited during summer vacation a few years ago. When he finally made it through the security line, he sprinted into a crowd of people.
“Jerry!” his mother cried. “Where are you going?!”

But it was too late. Jerry, being only four feet and five inches tall, swiftly cut through the crowd and ran into a line of people waiting to board a plane. He did not notice that the TV that indicated the flight’s destination said “Mogadishu, Somalia,” and not “Saint Martin,” likely because he was too busy poking other students with pencils during class instead of learning to read.
“Out of the way, idiots!” he yelled as he shoved multiple people aside in the line.
When he boarded the plane, which was nearly empty, he chose a first-class seat.

 A portly, elderly, bald man with a silk white beard and a red knit sweater approached Jerry, and told him,”This is my seat, kid.”

Jerry hissed,” Pick another one, old man. This is my seat now.”
The man responded,”Do you want me to tell the attendant-”
“Miss? This creepy old man keeps trying to talk to me and I feel uncomfortable,” Jerry said, loudly, to the flight attendant behind the old man.
The bald man smiled awkwardly. “He’s sitting in my.. Oh whatever.”
The twenty-hour flight went smoothly, but it never occurred to Jerry that his mother was desperately looking for him in Ohio. When he arrived, the airport was different. There was no beautiful beach or mountain overlooking the premises. Symbols were sprawled across the walls in bizarre patterns he did not understand. He left the airport, and realized this was no paradise, of palm trees, thousands of tourists, and a vast crystal blue ocean. The land was desolate. The buildings crumbled like the last of a dying populace, and the sky cried with layers of ashy death. In the place of the gorgeous mountain he had expected laid a pile of putrid garbage, whose stench greeted each person who exited the airport.

“Taxi!” a foreign man in a dirty white car with a dented rear yelled from nearby. “You, kid, want taxi?”

Jerry nodded and stepped into the car, which the man immediately began driving.

“Do you celebrate Christmas?” Jerry asked. “I love Christmas!”
“No, no Christmas,” the man answered indifferently.

“How dare you-, I mean, nevermind,” mumbled Jerry.

He watched as they passed dilapidated buildings, unsure of what to say next. Then Jerry remembered the phrase: “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear!”

So Jerry screamed,” JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY!”
“Child!” the man retaliated furiously. “You quiet! I am kidnapping you!”

Furious, he attempted to open the back car door and the window. Neither unlocked. They remained adamant, refusing to give into his force. The car sped up and plowed through dirt and rubble in the midst of the wasteland. Jerry decided to obey the driver and remain silent for the rest of the ride, finally realizing he was being kidnapped. About an hour of driving later, they arrived at a beach with a disheveled shoreline topped with discarded plastic bottles and scattered rotten seaweed. Quickly, the driver opened the door and pushed Jerry outside. A tall bearded man and a man wearing army clothes and a burka were waiting outside of the car, staring at Jerry.

“How much for boy?” asked the bearded man.
“1000 shillings, a cheap price just for you, Hassan,” replied the driver.

“We get fine ransom for him, ha ha!” laughed the man wearing a burka.

The bearded man, Hassan, exchanged money, and they attempted to push Jerry in a small, dirty jet boat. Jerry tried kicking them, but complied when Hassan pointed a rifle at him.

“WAAAA! I WANT TO GO HOME!” cried Jerry when he saw the rifle.

The pirates ignored his complaints, and started the engine of the boat, which coughed out smoke before it surrendered and began to spin reluctantly. The sky turned darker with each minute that passed, a foreboding omen of impending doom that sunk into the heart of Jerry. With his comfort and safety gone, Jerry had little he could do other than surrender– but then he remembered why he came.

“Have you ever heard of a holiday called Christmas?” asked Jerry, innocently.

“Quiet, boy,” one of the men replied.
“Christmas is very nice. You get presents,” Jerry continued, then paused, thinking of how to reword it.

“We get money when we sell you, boy. That is our present.”

“Christmas is about….” Jerry thought long and hard. “Spending time with your family and showing your appreciation for them.”

“We do not care, infidel! Shut your mouth!” screamed Hassan.

Jerry sucked his thumb in confusion.

Soon, they noticed a mysterious cruise ship coming closer, like a cobra reaching its prey. The pirates gathered their weapons, unaware that there was no cruise – it was a NATO U.S Navy ship, searching for the missing Jerry Johnson.

“HAND OVER THE BOY!” yelled a man in military gear from atop the ship.

Jerry covered his ears as an array of bullets bombarded the small boat, decimating the pirates. Soon after, he was given a ladder to climb upon, and after a series of calls, was escorted back to the U.S by plane.

“I missed you, Jerry!” Please, never leave me again!” hysterically cried his mother when he arrived at the airport.

“Mommy, where’s my presents? It’s still Christmas, right?” Jerry asked.

“Really, Jerry? That’s all you care about?” his mother replied, sobbing.
“So I went to Somalia for nothing?!” Jerry snarled as he clenched his fist.
An old, bald man wearing a red sweater, the same man whose seat Jerry stole, approached them and said, “Jerry Johnson, you’re never getting on the nice list after what you just did. You don’t care about your mother, you only want presents!”