Technologically Advanced Santa

Remy Serbinenko

An installation for the Multiverse of Lore


 One time in Santa’s Factory the Elves noticed, tucked away in a corner, a large bulky object. They went over and pulled off the cloth covering it, revealing it to be a stealth-bomber-jet-sled-attack-aircraft. They puzzled over it for a little bit, and eventually formed a consensus, and slapped a label on it that said, “Made Kid-Safe by __”. Then they scrambled all over the machine, taking off the blasters “fire hazard”, disengaging the engines “residential damage and potential hearing loss”, and removed the sniper nest “I wonder what this is for- better remove it, just to be SAFE”.

When Santa came in the next day and boarded the sled, he noticed that the blasters weren’t firing. 

He said, “What the Devil is wrong with this sled? The cannons don’t fire, the engines don’t turn on, and- where is the sniper nest that I worked so hard on?!?!” 

“We took them off, Santa,” the Elves replied as one. It was just then that Santa noticed a label on the steering wheel which said, “Made Kid-Safe by __”. He turned as red and poofy as his suit and bellowed, “WHO DID THIS?!?!?!?!” 

“We did, Santa,” said the Elves in unison. They bowed. “It wasn’t Kid Safe, and so we made it Kid Safe.” 

“You fools! Now I’ll have to destroy you! Good thing that I rigged this building to blow!” Santa stuck his hand into his pocket and took out a detonator and pulled the lever.

Suddenly, a label fell down in front of Santa’s face. It said, “Made Kid-Safe by __” 

“No!!!” Santa yelled. He took out a mini blaster and pulled the trigger. And pulled it again. 

Then an Elf said, “Oh, we made that Kid-Safe too, as it would not be good for the windows.” It was then that Santa noticed a small label hanging from the barrel of the blaster. On it was written, “Made Kid-Safe by__”. Santa roared in fury and threw aside the blaster. Suddenly, from his hat, Santa pulled a present bomb, which he then turned on with the press of a button. 

“Oh no!” the Elves yelled, and they all began to run for the shelves, which were all marked “Present-Safe”. From her retirement home in the far corner of the building, Mrs. Claus came out, wearing pink curlers in her hair. 

She yelled, “What is going on in here?” All of the Elves stopped running. Even Santa stopped, and turned around, for he did not dare to face the fury of his wife. 

“Yes?” he ventured.

Mrs. Claus said, “Turn down the noise, willya?” 

Santa looked around and said, “There wasn’t any noise, was there any noise?” He began to nod slowly. Mrs. Claus pulled out a shotblaster, and aimed it at Santa.

Santa suddenly jumped into his bag. He rummaged around and found a large white label, on which he wrote in sharpie, Mrs. Claus-Safe. He jumped back out, and slapped it onto his chest. Mrs. Claus’s shotblaster suddenly disappeared, her curlers turned green, and she transformed into Mrs. Harmless Claus. Santa breathed out a sigh of relief. Suddenly, all of the Elves’ eyes turned green, and they all turned around in unison, pulling out mini shotblasters, and aiming them all at Santa. Santa realized that he was not wearing an Elf-Safe badge. He began to quake slightly, and then ran away as fast as he could. Where the door once was, there was now an even bigger Santa-shaped hole, perforated with blaster-shots.

Mrs. Claus looked appreciatively at the Elves.

“Good job,” she said, clapping. Simultaneously, all of the shotblasters disappeared, and became presents. Santa poked his head back into the shop. All of the Elves looked at him, and waved. Santa, feeling himself safe, opened the nonexistent door, and walked back in, holding a three-foot-long pipe, candy cane colored smoke puffs coming out of the top. He mounted onto his jet sled and prepared to take off for Christmas, when suddenly, one Elf yelled out, “Hey, that’s not fair. How come we don’t get presents?” 

“Oh?” From behind the seat Santa took out a present, and threw it to the elves. On the label was written, “NotTime NotNuclear NotBomb, totally Kid Safe.”

“Hooray!” yelled all of the Elves, and they began to open it. Santa motioned to Mrs. Claus, and they both ran as quietly as they could out of the factory as the Elves found a blinking red light on the present. 

“Wait a minute….!!!!” 


It was later revealed that the Factory Building had a built-in label on it saying Santa-Safe, and so it was completely fine, though its interior was now a large, colorful, and empty room, everything inside having been “made invisible” by the present. And thus, Santa and Mrs. Claus came to live at the South Pole, where they then tried to enslave penguins to be their Elves, but that did not work, and now Santa resides in an igloo somewhere in the middle of nowhere, accompanied by Mrs. Claus.


New enemies: Squirrel and reindeer